Landisburg, PA
A recent rash of solar garden light thefts has led many Perry County residents to think they’ve been the victims of mindless drunken teenage thieves. Not so, says Special Agent Perot Rastaman of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. “What at first seemed to be the act of a few morons – shiftless pinheads, if you will – is looking more and more like the work of a sophisticated international syndicate.”
Special Agent Rastaman singled out Sergei Botulofsky, a notorious internet scammer currently serving time in Prison Colony No. 7 in Russia’s Novgorod Province.
“This guy Botulofsky, he’s good. Very good. He started out on MySpace, but lately we’ve seen him popping up a lot more on Facebook.”
Botulofsky is the mastermind behind Facebook pages with names like “Stealing Solar Lights is Awesum [sic]” and “Stealing Garden Lights when Your [sic] Drunk.” These two Facebook pages alone have amassed more than 500 “fans.”
Special Agent Rastaman outlined the likely scenario. “Okay, so our unsuspecting dunce in Carroll Township staggers home blind drunk. Gets on the Facebook. Maybe he’s seen a few garden lights with his vodka-soaked tunnel-vision. Does a simple search. Could be on ‘solar lights.’ Could be as simple as ‘garden lights.’ At any rate, he finds his way over to ‘Stealing Solar Lights is Awesum.’ Thinks to himself, ‘Heck, yeah!’ Becomes a ‘fan’ of the page. Boom! Game over. The Russian’s got him.”
When contacted by this reporter, Botulofsky denied any role in the thefts. “Recycled solar chips are very big, how you say, ‘growth industry,’” he said in a recent telephone interview. “We are simply testing market. No different from Pepsi Cola or Burger King.”
When asked what stolen chips could be used for, Botulofsky bristled. “Stolen? I have no idea for stolen. I am businessman. Good citizen. Try to make amends for life of horrible violent crime. No stolen!”
The Russian police, when asked how a prisoner in Novgorod could exert such a powerful influence in Perry County, some five thousand miles away, directed further questions to Steve Jobs, CEO of the Apple Corporation. “Mister Jobs makes iPhone, no? Maybe he can give you new app for to stop Russian criminal.”
Emigliano Venerdetti, a senior detective at Interpol’s Internet Crime Division in Bologna, Italy, was somewhat more forthcoming. “These Russians, they are quite clever, really. They have built an empire of the greatest subtlety, using the latest in seductive Apple products.” Detective Venerdetti outlined an astoundingly complex international network of iPhones, iPods, and iPads, all with a single purpose: coordinated attacks aimed at driving down the value of the U.S. stock market.
“You see,” Venedetti added, “there is a very plump and attractive target in the U.S., which is her celebrated Wall Street. Currently, there are some very big bets against.”
When asked for details of these alleged attacks, Venedetti demurred. “This investigation, shall we say, is increasingly ongoing. No, no, no, we won’t be saying many details. That will be for the magistrate to say.”
While the nature of the attacks may be murky, one aspect of the Russian’s method is crystal clear: recruit gangs – or individuals – from the general population of useless rural vandals.
Special Agent Rastaman: “The weak link in the syndicate’s plan is the unreliable European voltage. Particularly prison voltage. These high-end Apple products are finicky, voltage-wise.”
Which explains the sudden insatiable market for solar chips. The syndicate repurposes them as solar-powered chargers. An Altoid tin, some duct tape, a soldering iron, and a USB cable are all that’s needed to turn a solar garden light into a highly prized criminal iPod accessory.
Special Agent Rastaman sympathizes with the homeowners whose garden lights have been stolen. “It’s an expensive, irritating public nuisance,” he said. “The perpetrators are asinine boozers too stupid to know they’re being played by the Russian mafia. Of course, the biggest losers, the silent sufferers, really, are the hedge fund managers and the big-time Wall Street players. Those poor guys are the ones who are really getting hammered.”
This column was published in the Perry Co Times on 22 July 2010
For more information, please contact Mr. Olshan at writing@matthewolshan.com
