Back in May, one of the first columns I wrote for the Perry County Times was a plea to Embarq, our telephone company, to get on the ball and provide DSL service on St. Peters Church Road.

For those of you who missed that column, here are a few highlights:

High speed internet is an important tool for a writer.

We have lots of ways onto the information superhighway in Baltimore, but none up at the Creek.

The Pennsylvania State Legislature has mandated 100% broadband coverage for the state by December 31st, 2013.

There is a program in place called the Bona Fide Retail Request Program which can hurry things up, but some of the requirements are tricky.

A hundred years ago, “Rural Free Delivery” proved to be a big boost to rural economies and alleviated some of the worst aspects of geographical isolation.

High speed internet could do the same today.

I ended the column with a bit of cheek based on a TV commercial for a rival phone company. I wrote, “Can you hear me now, Embarq?”

Well, I’m thrilled to report that two weeks ago, we received a letter from Embarq thanking us for participating in the Bona Fide Retail Request Program and announcing that DSL was now available.

For a few days, I basked in the power of the Fourth Estate. The Powers-that-Be at Embarq had read my column! They were quaking in their boots, having been exposed by that muckraker Olshan! I’d called out the fat cats, who had reluctantly set down their Cuban cigars and gotten to work on behalf of the little guy!

Talk about delusional.

The first order of business was signing up for DSL. I called the phone number in the letter, and was pleased to learn that I was talking to a customer service representative in Carlisle, not New Delhi or Mumbai. And not just any customer service representative, either. Her name was Tiffany, and she was very friendly and helpful. So helpful, in fact, that the longer I talked with her, the less DSL was going to cost. There were specials, and coupons, and gift cards. My head was spinning. No sooner had I hung up, than the phone rang. It was Tiffany. She’d found a way to save me a bit more on the service. If that was all right with me.

So I wanted to offer a public “thank you” to Tiffany, who lives up in Newport. She can be reached at the Embarq retail store in Carlisle at 717-249-2282.

Now that our DSL was up and running, and we’d nearly gotten used to the novelty of being online and talking on the phone at the same time, I decided it was time to look a little deeper into this matter of Olshan v. Embarq.

The truth, I’m sad to say, is a lot less strange than fiction.

I spoke with Nancy Clay, the manager of Embarq’s Bona Fide Retail Request (BFRR) Program. I introduced myself as someone who’d sent in a request through the program. And then I let slip that I was also a weekly columnist for a certain newspaper in Perry County. Who happened to be researching another hard-hitting column. So I’d appreciate all the facts of the case. Just the facts. Post haste. Minus the funny business, Sister.

Okay, so maybe that’s a slight exaggeration. I’m very polite on the phone. Most of the time.

Ms. Clay was properly intimidated by my credentials—i.e., not at all—and proceeded to pull my file.

The facts were these:

Yes, Embarq had received my request, along with a handful of others from my area. But these requests hadn’t come anywhere near meeting the bar, set by the state legislature, of “25% of customers from a given community.”

Actually, Embarq had made DSL available to us on St. Peters Church Road because—wait for it!—they were going to anyway.

That’s right. The hard-hitting column in the Perry County Times? Hadn’t heard about it. The Bona Fide Retail Request program? Hadn’t come close to meeting the bar.

Embarq had simply done what it was going to do on its own schedule. So there.

It was interesting to hear Embarq’s perspective on providing DSL to Perry County, from a friendly, if somewhat harried, manager from the ranks. The Bona Fide Retail Request program is a legislative mandate. Providing 100% coverage to Pennsylvanians will happen. It must happen. But Embarq isn’t thrilled about it because they’ve already installed the massively expensive data switches where they can feasibly hope to make money. Now, they’re in the business of building expensive infrastructure in places where they can’t hope to turn a profit.

For an instant, there was pity in my heart for this $6 billion a year company. The telecommunications market is fiercely competitive. Embarq was being hamstrung by these onerous laws, while they watched their competition, uh, sprint ahead. Ms. Clay was making a pretty sympathetic case.

But then I remembered what I wrote in these pages back in May. And I’m pleased to say that I agreed with myself.

If you’d like to request information on Embarq’s Bona Fide Retail Request Program, including a map of your service area which will help you figure out how many signatures need to be gathered and from where, you can contact Nancy Clay at 717-245-6448.

Just be nice. And maybe mention that you read about her in this column.

The Fourth Estate thanks you.

This column was published in the Perry Co Times on 14 August 2009

For more information, please contact Mr. Olshan at writing@matthewolshan.com