Have you ever been turned away from a car wash because your car was just too filthy? Recently, I was. An employee of a certain car wash along Shermans Creek (which shall go nameless) took one look at my mud-caked Toyota Tacoma and shook his head. "You've been...

It was late in August. Our farm pond—the one we call “the big pond” when it swells its banks in the winter and early spring, offering up lovely reflections of Blue Mountain—had shrunk down to a glorified puddle. We were worried for the fish,...

Somewhere on the journey from Baltimore to St. Peter’s Church Road, we cross the digital divide. We may not feel it in our ears, the way we do when we crest Blue Mountain at Starrett’s Gap or Waggoner’s Gap, but it’s no less dramatic....

No. Not “fornication.” Although that would be an interesting column, too. “Formication.” With an “m.” As in the Latin word for ant, formica, which is apparently also the Latin word for shiny countertop. It’s a feeling...

The shiny pink handle of the jump rope swung back and forth in front of my eyes. “You’re feeling sleepy,” my hypnotist sa id. “I am?” “Yes, you are. When I clap my hands, you will wake up wanting to smoke cigarettes.” “I...

There she was, glowing enticingly on my monitor. She was incredibly well built. Round in all the right places. She had these beautifully curved, powerful legs. True, she was no spring chicken, but she was remarkably well preserved. I tend to like the older models,...

Back in 1624, John Smith wowed the Old World with his five-volume Generall Historie of the New World. He hit all the major points—geography, native peoples, settlers, religion, customs, etc. But nothing was too small to escape his voracious eye. Especially if he...

I didn’t always hate grass. I used to love it. When we first came to St. Peter’s Church Road, I even looked forward to mowing. Mowing was fun. I got to ride a tiny tractor. I got to visit every corner of the property without even having to walk. There were...

These days, if you happen to be sick in Perry County, it is the best of times and the worst of times. I’d like to tell you about two of my friends from Spring Township. I was planning to protect their identities, but one of them, Jeff Heikenfeld, was on the...

It’s going to sound strange to some of you, but you should know that I’m the first person in the history of my family to own a rifle. At least, as far as I know. But it’s a pretty good bet. My ancestors settled in the crowded tenements of big cities...

I remember the first time I bought a piece of shark. I was nervous. The guy at the seafood counter didn’t seem to think it was a big deal. “It’s just a fish,” he said. “Grill it, maybe with a little mustard.” But it was a big deal....

July is a fine time to be thinking about the “pursuit of happiness.” It’s an exceedingly strange phrase to find at the beginning of a political manifesto, but there it is, in the second paragraph of the Declaration of Independence: "We hold these...

Many of you already know about H. H. Hain’s History of Perry County, the thousand page tome that was published in Harrisburg in 1922 and is still a standard reference. It’s a fairly rare book and expensive, if you can even find it. I had my eye on a copy...

Last week, I wrote a few words about Commodore Oliver Perry, the man who lent his surname to our fair county. I ended the piece by asking whether Commodore Perry was, in fact, one of America’s greatest naval heroes, as the popular culture of the time took him to...

We’re awash in heroes these days. It’s not like ancient times, when you had to be the child of a human and a god in order to qualify. Parents are heroes. Movie stars are heroes. Even criminals, in a Byronesque, anti-hero kind of way. Think Tony Soprano, or, more...